If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
