my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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