Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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