So drunk its hurt
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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