Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
