At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
tell me about the eggs
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
