Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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