just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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