guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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