he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
At least life still wants to fuck me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
