Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
