Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
