Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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