Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
