you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
