you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
