what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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