I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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