Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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