I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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