he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
