I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
