Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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