I want to make a zoo with you.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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