I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
