I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
