I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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