two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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