Don't you send me to vm
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
