Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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