I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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