My liver just broke up with me...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
