Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
