She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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