You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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