A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
