I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
