Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
