What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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