Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
