I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
