I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
