she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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