my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
