she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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