tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
