I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
