1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
