I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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