We won't sleep together?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
