He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
