Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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