I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
