If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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