Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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