so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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