just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize