well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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