If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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