You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize