Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
