apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
